I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
