And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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