I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
