from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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