sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
