I need to stop coming to work sober
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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