I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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