there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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