guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
