Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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