I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
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