Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I stole a fireplace last night.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
