not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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