The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
