i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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