I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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