Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
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