My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I need moral support for this bender
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
