I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
