Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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