Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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