I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
