My sheets look like a crime scene.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
