She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
