i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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