Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
