Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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