im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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