please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
