mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
