I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
