I just gift wrapped bread.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
