i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
