omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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