and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
