Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
