She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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