There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
