last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
