Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
