Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
