Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
