The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
