the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
