Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
