This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
