I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
