I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
