Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
