I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
