I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
