Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
