Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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