just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
