She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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