my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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