I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
