This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
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the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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